'Dean and I have had to take Benzedrine, and I have finally convinced him that he could be the greatest poet on earth . . .' Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Chapter 4.

i'm taking on all sorts of strange new projects these days. filling boxes with memories, becoming an antisocial person, relearning to love microsoft paint after being denied photoshop and illustrator. i think it's time to recreate an artistic empire.
on the darker side of the spectrum, i'm finding myself in a generally less pleasant mood. things aren't really coming to gether the way i feel that they should be. i poured gasoline all oer myself today in the -30 degree weather. it was unfortunate. i thought about the bridge i would soon be crossing to return home, all of the things i ought to be doing (but with no such desire to do so...). i have fallen into a funk.
drove around with alex tompsett this evening. interesting, really. he's a good kid. tomorrow is alex palacek in the morning, john vernon in the afternoon, the show (possibly) in the midday, and poetry at night. then there's the jo and carl option to be considered. (of course all of these things have to happen on one day, they couldn't conceive of spreading out to allow ample time for recovery.)

this is clearly getting rediculous.

i have eaten
the cinnamon cereal
that was in
the cupboard

and which
you were probably
wanting
to eat.

forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cinnamony.

oh w.c.w. i fucked your shit up. i have become addicted to cinnamon cereal. it is like crack. only much, much better for your health. on a more positive note, i did encounter a lovely narrative on the seven deadly sins. very interesting. it inspired me. very real.

then i tried to explain to bui why i'm the way i am, and tom r. reminded me of who said it best:

But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"
-Jack Kerouac, On The Road
cuz jack fucked all our shit up...

i don't remember.

hearing across the universe on your radio over the phone reminds me of my mortality.
there are certian phrases that light my mind on fire. (it happens that you know more of them than i'm comfortable with.)

oh child, you have much to learn.

vroom...
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|.................................... | ||'|"\,__.
|_..._...______===|=||_|__|.......,]
"(@)'(@)"""*|(@)(@)*******(@)*I

this is what it feels like, huh?
(the newish 95 durango ate up the road like spagetthi...)
amazing. i am finally free.

and I'm laying out my winter clothes
and wishing I was gone going home
where the New York city winters aren't bleedin' me
leading me, going home

watched the graduate today. also fought with my mother, who i feel was being unreasonable. that's not what this is about though. i was thinking that the graduate makes me feel right. it reminds me of the simon and garfunkel concert i keep returning to in my mind. i wrap myself up in the memory and desire to be transported back. the music touched my soul.
i've wanted more than ever to move on with my life these past few weeks. it's been wearing on me. in terms of consolation, i'm going out for coffee with alex. that'll be pleasant. we don't ever really get a chance to talk.
on the other hand, i had the joy of warren company today after school. we went out for coffee. but first, liv and i decided it was best that we make jake run after the van. it was a hoot.
now that i look back on it, it seems that a large percentage of the day went better than i remembered. tony made me so happy today with his antics. first, there was his throwing of a banana peel infront of passers-by. (they looked so frustrated, but i couldn't help but laugh. forgive me, it was hilarious.) then there was the part where he harrassed everyone who walked past. that was equally fun. i should stop letting these things get me down.

besides, i can start that shit over tomorrow.

inaugural assassins

door county..... that was that. now i am home, and returned pleasantly to find an arsenal of pens at my disposal. (pleasant surprise, i love you mom.) walked over to daniel's in a sweater in the -19 degree weather. i have never felt so rebellious in my life. i continued my rebellion for the remainder of the evening, and even contemplated walking further, but decided against it on account of the fact that i cannot contract any sicknesses for the time being. it just isn't in my plans.

it seems that the planning for the gallery is coming along. anne arbor, michigan is our destination. if everything goes according to plan, i'll go to school there and live with drew. he's a nice boy. (it will be like playing house in the fifties. while living in our own eighties.)

for some reason, i'm feeling social tonight. (i'll stay inside until the feeling goes away.) i've been drinking too much tea and reading too many words that are calling me to actions i cannot be held responsible for. now that i think about it, i'd like not to be responsible at all.

responsibility is so tiring...

here i am again, masquerading before all, because there is little else, although i want more. after reading steppenwolf, i can justify, but think it's more or less making an excuse to be an exclusionary elitist... i don't want that. i'd really like to be able to just laugh. i don't remember the last time i did that. (that means it's been too long...) but it's as if though the people who i laughed with have evolved into new constellations. oh god, constellations can make me cry.

oh warren, no one does it like you....

and you think that the other guys are fucking it up for you. if you ony knew.
that was the best solilquoiy (sp?) i've ever heard. it was real, i knew how you felt.
i appreciate your friendship more than you'll ever know.

this was a great day. after school at least. that's the way things ougth to be.

it's snowing outiside beautifully.. it's that type of snow that makes winter acceptable... the snow is white. it reminds me of songs i used to love when i was younger. (i loved the songs well enough, but the people i associated their melodies with more...)

things have been getting rough around the edges. why haven't we been able to come to a civil agreement? [ i just want everything to be finished.... is that asking too much of life?]

sometimes, the letters i get make me wish that my life were a two-dimentional sketch. the words i write in response "depress" others. i need to put them somewhere, though.

i love the music that comes in the mail unexpectedly. something about the words (or lack thereof) completely destroys my soul. i mean, it's devastating. i listen to it and strate out into the white of winter and remember. i know thath things aren't any better now than they've been in the past. that doesn't mean that the previous times of my life were any better.

i try to see things neutrally, but i'm too involved in my emotion. i cant' say which would be for the best anyhow. i'm not one for mediocrity, and i know thath you could vouch.

i should stop living in the past.

Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

"Man to man, body muscular
Sismic decibel by the jugular
Wall to wall, tea time technology and a digital ladder
No sign of bad luck in rapture"
rapture by blondie

thus far, we've started the year off right.
what do we plan to accomplish this time around?
- remove myself from unneccesarily awkward situations
- smile more
- be sincere
- laugh
- stop eating cake for breakfast

that's not too much to ask. i think this one could be the best yet. but we'll see.
as for my actual future, i have no idea what's going to happen... i hope to get the gallery on it's feet. hope to get on my feet. off my ass. on the dance floor.

sharon, when you get home, it's on.

party like it's 1999...

i wore that pretty yellow dress, drank a fifth of brandy (and some other miscelaneous drinks), rocked out to 5 awesome bands and went to a party afterwords where i was hit on as if i were the most beautiful woman in the whole world...
i love you all.

happy new year, sweetheart.